Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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