No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
