I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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