Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
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i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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