omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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