I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
