We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
