The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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