You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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