If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Randomize
