so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
