i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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