I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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