i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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