I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
