If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
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