Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
