Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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