I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
