we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
