we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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