hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
