I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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