Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
