i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
