He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I'm too high and old for this...
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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