Need sex. Gaining weight.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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