I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
