Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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