By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
