my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
