i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
