I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Randomize
