So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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