I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
