i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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