I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.