I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
She even gives head with a lisp.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
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Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
29 Frat Parties That Got Way Too Out Of Control
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban