Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
we're so committed to being not committed
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