Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
