if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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