Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
