Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
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