you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
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