It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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