I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
