I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
