I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Dating After Heartbreak
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
my liver is dry heaving