Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
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The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
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Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.