After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
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Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
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I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered