i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?