i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS