You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
