dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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