Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
