Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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