don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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