If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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