No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
