Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
