There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
