I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
