dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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