I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
